Retreat!

For at least a decade, I have been reflecting on the concept of meditation and how to incorporate this behavior pattern into my daily life. I think the concept “monkey mind” was derived from the nonstop, chaotic dance of the neurotransmitters in my brain from morning until night.

Breathing exercises and meditation have helped me endure some fairly rough times in my life, but I have yet to succeed in sitting still for more than five minutes.

I have learned to hone in on ideas and let my mind go wild. It can be extremely challenging reigning myself back in for periods of rest. Sleeping, for example.

It is easier to have something to focus on than to wallow in loneliness, concern for my future, the decision to procreate or not to procreate, all of those light and fluffy questions that plague us as we ride the wave of life. I often feel like I keep getting pummeled by them. Each time the water recedes, I desperately try to get onto my surfboard before getting blasted by another, tossed off again, sputtering, water up my nose.

While I love the ocean, there is only so much pummeling one can take.

Perhaps, the lesson is in reviewing the situation and finding where I can most sustainably endure.

Maybe, I shouldn’t be battling against the waves or even trying to ride them. Could it be that the space between the wave and the sand is where I need to lie down to simply feel the water wash over me?

Is this Nirvana?

Lately, I have been thinking (again) about spending time meditating or even taking the plunge and attending a silent retreat or a retreat of some kind at a center for meditation. This idea used to seem mildly terrifying, but these days it feels something akin to relief.
I know that all I need to do is shift the way I respond to these waves, to accept them as blessings, small miracles that can help me focus on all of the wonderful elements of my life. Yet, I struggle each day to realize that change in perspective.

Perhaps, this is something I struggle with because it is meant to be difficult. And maybe, it is okay to ask for help.