Comfort in the dark

When I began the Prescott doctoral program, I wondered what I was doing there and how it had come to be that I was chosen to be among such talented, brilliant individuals.

I wondered if people would figure out that my being there was a mistake if I could not keep up with everyone else.

Somehow, day after day, I did my best to keep my head above water. I tried to be brave and share my ideas in social forums. I began to speak out more and share my voice.

It was not a miracle that the days turned into weeks, months, and years. It was me.

I was changing.

I was asking questions of the darkest part of my own being and beginning to listen to that darkness and believe in what I heard from within rather than without.

I cannot say I have made peace with the darkness and that I would prefer darkness to light, but I believe that it has been through storms emanating from a darker part of my self that I have been challenged and stretched the most.

I am by no stretch of the imagination free from the darkness, but I am more at peace with it.

A friend from a later cohort wrote this morning,

“Peace is born from gratitude-for having eyes to see with, for the food on my table, for my family, for the rolling soft hills, for the grace that supports me through my days, for the light at the end of a tunnel, and for the extraordinary gift of being alive.

I am grateful this day. I am at peace.”

This morning, I am thankful for the tunnel and for allowing my eyes to adjust to the dark. I am thankful for feeling my way through the dark and feeling supported by familiar faces that came into focus the more I relaxed in the tunnel and the less time I spent seeking out a glimmer of light in the distance.

Thank you all for love, support, words of encouragement, and most of all for reading and being my community these past few years and beyond.


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