Babies have been on my mind. The other day, I noticed a photograph of a friend with a brand new baby. Something hit me when I saw that picture. I live alone and spend too much time in a vicarious, virtual world of social media.
It was not disappointment that I have not experienced the miracle of childbirth. It was not a sense of mortality.
It was a feeling that I was not a part of a family and that I was not fulfilling my American dream.
This feeling sweeps over me every now and again, when I feel a particular inundation of images from procreating friends.
When the feeling takes root, I sit with it.
I sit with it to try to better understand my own self. Where did the feeling originate?
Was it from a deep desire to be procreating?
I just did not think so. I have been feeling the ticking of biology with far less intensity this past year and ever before. It seemed to lessen as I gave myself permission to envision a different path, one where I was free to fulfill my own kind of dream for my life.
But cultural training does not die easily. I cannot help but feel somewhat of a failure with each infant that appears as a facebook profile photo. I cannot help but feel guilty that I have not given my parents any grandchildren that are not of the canine persuasion.
My entire life, I just assumed that I would get married, have children, and live happily ever after.
When I sit with my self, I ponder my own path.
I am divorced and unmarried.
I am purging my material possessions and moving into ever smaller living spaces.
When I sit with my self and really look within, I do not feel emptiness.
I feel full.
I am happy.
I have dear friends who tell me that one may lead several lives, each time embodying a different physical body and working through different challenges.
In this life, I am beginning to believe that my work is to learn to love myself, to be patient with the universe, and to accept the gifts I am given without requiring more. My work is to learn the language of music. My practice is to learn to deeply listen and thus to hear my own voice and those of so many people as yet unheard.