(Un)conditional love


I love Arizona at 2:34am and 5:17am. The rest of the time, I can bear Arizona. Our relationship reminds me of a time when I worked very hard to convince myself I was not in love. Before bed, I could convince myself I wasn’t interested, but by morning I had forgotten.

Does this mean I am falling in love with Arizona?

Am I already in love but still trying to convince myself otherwise?

Perhaps, if I left for a time I could find clarity. Absence has a tendency of creating the space needed for lucidity.

My partner asked me yesterday where my ideal place would be to live. It is something we have discussed over the years we were living apart.

Lately, I have been wondering if there is any ideal place for me. I am comfortable in about a ten-degree temperature range. Anything below, and I am freezing. Anything above, and I begin to melt.

What I do know is that I love being near water and mountains. I love being near tall, old trees.

Most of all, I love being able to walk out the door and go for a quiet walk in nature.

It was not until I spent a winter in Arizona that I realized I could be happy during the darker months. The darker months are not so dark here in the Southwest. There is sunshine nearly every day. Intermittent grey skies remind me of much darker times in Massachusetts, Maine, Washington, France, and Alaska.

What would become of my winter psyche should I return to a more “traditional” winter?

I wonder.

It is difficult to imagine winter when there is a blanket of heavy heat that covers the world from morning to night each day, but I know it is out there waiting. I suppose I can let it go for now. I am trying not to worry about things that have not yet come to pass.

So for now, I will relish in the early morning coolness. I will lean back, close my eyes, and feel the cold air on my face. Like so much of life and life itself, it is fleeting and meant to be enjoyed while it lasts.


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