Shedding light onto the dark

Without darkness, there would be no light. With only light, no darkness.

Sometimes, I can appreciate the light more when it shines into a dark place.

At this morning’s yoga practice, our teacher told us the word Guru breaks down into light and dark.

Gu means dark.

Ru means light.

She told us there was an inner healer in each of us and that we could each find the light within.

“Transformation doesn’t happen alone,” she said. “It can, but it is harder and less fun that way.”

I was in a tumultuous place when I heard these words.

I had shared a truth earlier in the morning that has been brimming at the surface and over the side of my cup for over a week now.

The truth for me is that whatever path I follow, I must honor my desire to live a sustainable life. This requires redefining success and sustainability for each new venture. Otherwise, I will know in my heart of hearts that I am living counter to what has taken me so much time and effort to learn about my own self: I cannot make the world a more sustainable place while sacrificing my own health and happiness.

I spoke this truth, but I am not sure how it was interpreted from the other end of the phone.

In response to my truth, I heard one that did not sit well with my own. I was told that I would not succeed without working collaboratively with another person.

What I heard was “you will not succeed if you follow your own path.”

How can I be shedding such beautiful, soft light onto the darkness that has been building for the past month only to have it darkened so readily?

How can our two truths feel equally just and yet be so starkly contrasting?

What I do know is that the counter truth through my entire being into a tumult that I have only managed to calm through writing and reflection. This for me is evidence that while our truths may be different, mine works for me. I need the spaciousness in my life to feel things fully and to process them in my now way.

And yet I latched onto the one person who did not believe I could succeed on my way when dozens of others have told me I am brave and strong and capable.

Why is that?

A friend sent me a wise answer: “I think when you are attempting something challenging that you haven’t done before, it’s easier to hear all sorts of reasons why it’s not possible. You can see the difficulties more easily than the success, yourself. You’re in the midst of the hardest part. Once you’ve done the thing, those voices more easily fade into the background.”

It’s easier to see the future from a place of fear, but I think I am going to try something new. I am going to continue the process of replacing fear and anger with acceptance.

I am going to keep breathing.

And I am going to believe in my self.

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