This morning, I woke up in a snuggle sandwich between my two cats. They seemed quite pleased to have their choice of spots on the bed now that my partner has returned once again to Arizona.
It was quiet, save the constant hum of traffic outside on Dutton Street. When my eyes first opened, I felt the emptiness. I missed the simple comfort of having someone to say good morning to. Without a companion, the idea of getting up and starting my day was far less enticing.
But, I was determined to plod on in this strange time in my life of being alone in a city full of people and shut out of my work community for a spell.
I got up, made my bed, tucked in the corners, and set to work cleaning dishes and boiling water for coffee.
With each round of cleaning, I continue to lift the heavy weight of material possessions from my small frame. This round has become one of geologic purging. I have been taking the many dozens of rocks of all shapes and sizes and deciding that it is time for me to set them free to wander the earth once more. Their destiny is beyond the confines of my apartment. I have had my time to enjoy them, to hold them in my hand, gaze upon them, place them one on top of the other in myriad patterns.
Now, I must set them free and in so doing, set my own self and spirit free to wander as well.
With each rock, twig, and shell I place in a large canvas bag, I feel lighter. I have taken the ogre statues and gargoyles from my windowsills down. They don’t belong to me. They never did. My ex loved them. Perhaps, I will send them his way. Perhaps, he will be happy to be reunited with them once again after so much time has passed.
We each dealt with grief differently, he and I. I kept everything, while he drove off leaving nearly everything behind—a complete separation. Will he feel something meaningful by having some items in his possession once again? I cannot know. I just imagine and hope that he might. There has been time for healing and for emotions to simmer and cool.
What I feel is continued love for him mixed with a desire to free myself from possessions that once belonged to him. In my mind, I imagine they might bring a smile to his face were he to lift them out of a box and see them once again. This is all I can go by. I do not wish to simply send them out orphaned into the world when there is someone who may be able to take them under his wing once more.
So go the strange musings and inner workings of my mind on this 9th day of government shutdown. And the new is yet new.
life of m 