Of late, my body has fallen into a rhythm of anxiousness and anxiety. I can feel it in my stomach and diaphragm when I wake. If I swim, I am able to temporarily settle the unease, but the calm state I achieve in the water is transient at best.
Where has the unease come from? I think it has come from recent events that began stirring with the onset of mercury. Mercury’s recent retrograde may have shifted, but in its wake there has been left a feeling of uncertainty that seems to move throughout my body over the course of each day.
I believe this uncertainty has to do with deciphering where my own boundaries for a healthy existence meet my propensity for compromising those boundaries.
I have written before that I have learned to ignore my own needs in an effort to bring ease and joy to others. This behavior became so extreme that I realized a few years ago that I had absolutely no idea who I even was without bending to another person’s will.
When I made the choice to sift through the layers of cultural expectations to figure this out, I met with much pushback. I was called selfish by people I have considered friends. I was told that I had “lost my way and needed to be put back in line” by managers.
But a voice inside, however tenuous, told me to carry on. And I have. This inner voice is much stronger today but still fragile. It takes regular intention and reminders from my body to keep this voice fire burning.
I am sitting each day with this feeling that something is not right. I am not yet certain what I will learn, but I trust in my inner voice and instinct. I know that I will find clarity.
It may mean that I have a future path to walk alone as a musician and artist. I do not yet know. I am beginning to realize, however, that there is strength and passion within me; I have only to believe it is real.
I recently expressed self-doubt to a friend, wondering if I could make it on my own. The response brought a smile to my face:
You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, to be sure. I don’t have time for weak women J
Enough said. I believe the lesson here is that our inner voice, the one that provides a well of intuition, is wise. So it would be wise for each of us to listen, trust, and honor that voice.
This is the intention I set for my self. I will keep you posted on what I learn.
1 thought on “If I listen, I learn”
I found this entry when I did a keyword search for “intuition.” What you said here resonated with me so strongly:
I have learned to ignore my own needs in an effort to bring ease and joy to others.
I’ve never seen myself as a “people-pleaser” or a “doormat,” because I know my limitations and my shortcomings. I don’t mindlessly say “yes” any more than I say “no,” and yet…I don’t like to disappoint or perform below a “standard” (real or imagined). I’ve not been matriculated in an educational institution for many years, but I still have that “must get an A” mentality stuck in my head.
I also like to be helpful and I like knowing that something I’ve said or done has made someone smile or lessened their negative energy. I do often forget to nourish my own resources and rather than stating that I am retreating for a few days, I “rebel” by fleeing or by getting needlessly snarky.
I hope you are doing well today.